Weblog

Friday, 06 November 2009

  • (soul) food for thought

    Ministry/Helping/Serving can get discouraging, but this guy's thoughts on the phenomenon are raw and though-provoking.
    Lemme know what you think!

    Habitation of Dragons by Keith Miller - "The Lack of Tangible Results"

    "This is one of those days when I am confused about Christianity. I believe; I am glad that I am a Christian - and yet nothing seems to happen of a lasting nature as a result of my witnessing for Christ. Knowing that this is a self-centered attitude doesn't seem to help much either.

    In thinking about this problem of "results" just now, I remembered an early Monday-morning meeting with some men whom I care a great deal. Charles Sumners, the minister of a large church in our city for more than thirty years was speaking:
    "Sometimes I get discouraged. I can't see that my work with people is really changing anything. And as for my own belief in God, in a life after death, in the basic tenets of the faith -in the last analysis I am right where I was at the beginning of my ministry - I can only trust and hope that these things are true. Although I can see that realistically the church has grown and prospered in terms of members and material things, I cannot see that much has happened spiritually because of my ministry here."

    No one said a word. We all loved and respected this man a great deal, and he was baring his heart to us. As I sat in silence, a picture passed through my mind. It was Sunday and Charles was standing in the pulpit. He was still quite weak after spending several days in the hospital and it was obvious to me that he was struggling with his sermon. But at the conclusion he told us that during his sickness he had seen once more the basic message of ministry - that God loves us and has amazingly offered us the gift of life in Christ. He became very enthusiastic and alive; it was as if he had just discovered the idea. I was afraid he might get too emotional, because of his weakened condition, and overtire himself. But at that point Charles stopped, looked at us with a great calm, and concluded simply, "And I have found again in my own experience that I believe in Jesus Christ, and this belief is transforming my life."

    Having finished his sermon, he sat down, probably discouraged again at our seeming lack of response. And yet my heart was singing! Somehow as he had said those words, filtered through a life which fairly radiated with courage and openness, I believed again too, and was excited with the renewed freshness of this discovery. Other men began to share similar stories...

    As our meeting broke up, it came to me: none of us can see with much accuracy the results of his or her own efforts, because so much of a Christian's influence has to do with the depth of his or her own personal inner life. To the Christian that inner life seems like a battleground of losses and retreats, marred with old scars and shell holes. But from the outside, other people may seen only the aura of love and concern which seems to surround those who commit themselves wholly to the finding and doing of God's will and the loving of His people.

    I realize now that most of us will never be able to know accurately the long-term effects of anything we try to do. But it doesn't matter so much, because I can see that the kind of spiritual influence which appears to have deep roots and lasting effects is not usually projected consciously. Such influence seems to be a by-product of a style of living. People are evidently touched unconsciously through the Christian's eyes and hands as he tries to help them, and as he points beyond himself...to tell them about Christ and His healing love.

    Dear God, I am grateful that You left us stories - like the "widow's mite" - about the importance to You of the efforts and gifts of ordinary people who have no great credentials in terms of fame and material statistics. Help me to remember that You do not judge as we do. And thank You that even as You give us peace, You give us a restlessness which moves us always beyond ourselves to seek and love other people. Thank You that You make me want to do great things for You, but thank You even more that Your love is not contingent on my getting them done."

    ahh :)

    "Therefore, my beloved brothers, stand firm! Let nothing move you.
    Always give yourselves fully to the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord
    is not in vain." - Paul's letter to the Corinthians (15:58)




Wednesday, 21 October 2009

  • smells that remind & cassette tapes that teach.

    cassette tapes that teach.
    When our family moved from Dallas to Houston, it was an interesting adjustment. My first year here, I attended second grade at Austin Pkwy Elem. But after I frequently came home cursing or with a bad attitude, my dad decided to enroll us in a Christian private school. haha i think that's funny.

    Anyhoo, on the way to school and on the way home, we would carpool with the Tams and listen to Focus on the Family's "Adventures in Odyssey." We have a big collection of their cassette tapes, CDs, and VHSsss (haha how do you make VHS plural?). In essence, it's a fond childhood memory.

    SO FOND, that on our recent journey to Family Christian Bookstore, Matt bought a CD pack to catch us up from where we left off. And we started listening them on our way to and from college. Somewhat funny, but man oh man did I miss it. Whit, Connie, Eugene, Tom Riley, Bernard, alll the kiddos - they're like family :)

    smells that remind.
    this morning I dropped Matt off as usual and drove to the parking garage. Upon turning the corner, I SMELLED something in the air. Twas no ordinary smell. IT WAS....the smell of my old elementary school. Weird, yes, I know. But I smelled it and all these memories came flooding back to me from my childhood. My mind then proceeded to run in a flurry through childhood memories, awkward middle school years, then the wondrous high school years, and up till now.

    I've come to realize over a slow process of introspection that I've come a looong way. And it's actually a little bit shocking to me because of the proud I had immersed myself in in my earlier years. A big thing that I'm trying to work on is my image. Allow me to explain. For awhile now, I've noticed that I have this fear of people judging me. Wtheck, right? So I asked myself where it came from. I had tackled this issue in high school and was fine with it. Then college rolled around. So what's the difference? I concluded that I get so caught up with how non-Christians might view me. I'm mostly confident with who I am EXCEPT for the fact that when I'm walking down the street, I'm like, "oh God, I hope they see you in me." But instead of healithly displaying Him, it's thwarted into a mess of mixed motivations. While I believe that deep in my heart, I long to just oooze of God's glory and greatness so that others can know Him, I've lost sight of it a little bit and muddled it with a weird haze of too much self-awareness.


    conclusion.
    God created me just as I am - beautifully and wonderfully made. God will use me as He wills (if I am smart enough to comply). I need to stop worrying about how others see Christ in me, and JUST BE ME! If I follow God whole-heartedly and commune with Him, I'll naturally flow becuase His Spirit dwells within me. Tis a beautiful reminder through a personal mistake.

    I got so excited to realize this...and of course, God has perfect timing and decided to pop some verses into my head to confirm this newfound revelationish:

    2 Timothy 3:1-5 ~ But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lvoers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power.

    so when i decide that others' thoughts are gonna dictate how i see myself, i'm suppressing the Spirit from truly working. when i take things into my own hands, i'm denying the power of the Spirit.

    2 Timothy 1: 6-7 ~ For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of god, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

    this is what i should be doing - denying the spirit of timidity and aquiring the spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. how different life would look like!!

    thanks for the encouragement to be faithful indeed, Paul.

    so now i feel impassioned to pass it on. I think that someone our youth need to hear this. So Lord, I pray that you will guide me. Use the weak to lead the strong and may your grace continue to overflow this wretchless sinner in need of You. God, I don't know what I'll say, but I know that even if I don't say it right according to my standards, you don't necessary need them, for your Spirit is powerful and your Word is living and active. Go before us, Lord, for greater things have yet to come :)


Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Monday, 12 October 2009

  • heaven is the face

    On May 21, 2008, Contemporary Christian singer-songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman lost his five-year-old daughter Maria Sue Chunxi in a tragic accident. Her brother's Toyota Land Cruiser accidentally hit Maria when he was pulling into the driveway of their home, and she was pronounced dead upon arrival to the hospital. Beauty Will Rise was Chapman's first album since the tragedy and this first single released from the set eloquently addresses the topic of loss. In the face of all his grief, Chapman paints a picture of what Heaven must look like with Maria in it.

    Chapman spoke about this song via his video blog. He commented that "obviously heaven has become a much more real place and something I long for more now than ever before. I can't wait to see the face of my little girl that I long to see again. I'm saying to God, 'you know my heart, and I know that heaven is so much more than that, but right now Lord, this where my heart is.' So I'm just crying out to God with this song, and it's as honest and personal as I've ever been, I just poured out my heart."


    Heaven is the face of a little girl
    With dark brown eyes
    That disappear when she smiles
    Heaven is the place
    Where she calls my name
    Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

    God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
    But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for, God,
    You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
    So right now...

    Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
    Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
    And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
    Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

    And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
    But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God,
    You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
    But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
    Where Your glory fills every empty space

    All the cancer is gone
    Every mouth is fed
    And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed
    Every lonely heart finds their one true love
    And there’s no more goodbye
    And no more not enough
    And there’s no more enemy, no more

    Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
    And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
    Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
    And leads me to You
    And we both run into Your arms

    Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
    It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
    So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    ahhhhh this song is sooo sad. It makes my heart sink so heavily each time. Growing up, I would always be so saddened by stories like this. Sometimes I would cry. But the STRANGE thing, is that I would want to secretly experience it. Why? I don't know. Maybe to know how it feels and to see how/if I'd overcome it. Maybe to sympathize better. Maybe to get sympathy. I'm not sure.

    There's something about these songs though that do more than just tug at the heart. They make me ask questions. They break down walls around me and make me feel very human...very weak and vulnerable and emotional. They fill me up with compassion and a passion to help others, to extend open arms and offer a hug...even to a stranger. But the disappointing part is that it feels like the passion builds up and dies cuz it doesn't get released to its full capacity. We're all too good at masking our feelings and societal rules of our enculturation are so overwhelming influential. (ie - today I wanted to help this lady in a wheelchair at Whataburger. She didn't have any feet, so she wheeled around in her chair. She had a walmart bag with toothbrush in it attached to the back of her chair, and she had some money cuz she paid for her lunch. I have a couple homeless-care-packages in my car that I assembled for times like this, but I wasn't sure if she was really homeless. I wasn't sure if I would offend her if I gave it to her. and a friend affirmed that it could be insulting. Missed opportunity? Only God knows. but I'll say a prayer for her...and the chapman family)

    Being much more emotional these past....months...has been a very hard experience for me. Yet at the same time, I think I am getting stronger in trusting people and learning more about the verse I've been contemplating for so long - the "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

    If I was the perfect, idealistic self that I was all the time, I couldn't possibly relate to other humans. And that's been something that's been bothering me lately - that I can sy/empathize very well. So bring on the brokenness and healing :)


    "...I feel the more I know God, that He would sooner we did wrong in loving, than never love for fear that we should do wrong." - Father Andrew

Thursday, 08 October 2009

  • gentle reminders from a loving Abba

    I was flipping through some old emails, and came across one from a family friend who wrote to me a couple years ago. In this particular email, she was praising God for various ministries of Mosaic, and as I came upon her praise to God for the youth group, I read this:

    "I am thankful for Melissa who chose to give up and sacrifice her goals and preferences for the greater good of leading the Youth Ministry.  I am thankful that she is wise beyond her years."

    I cried after reading that...out of sadness and shame. Because being in such a desert place now and looking back at my zeal and passion to follow God no matter what shows me how human i am.



    "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;
    God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
    He chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things -
    and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are,
    so that no one may boast before him...
    therefore, as it is written: let him who boasts
    boast in the Lord."
    - 1 cor 1:27-29, 31




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Friday, 06 November 2009

  • (soul) food for thought

    Ministry/Helping/Serving can get discouraging, but this guy's thoughts on the phenomenon are raw and though-provoking.
    Lemme know what you think!

    Habitation of Dragons by Keith Miller - "The Lack of Tangible Results"

    "This is one of those days when I am confused about Christianity. I believe; I am glad that I am a Christian - and yet nothing seems to happen of a lasting nature as a result of my witnessing for Christ. Knowing that this is a self-centered attitude doesn't seem to help much either.

    In thinking about this problem of "results" just now, I remembered an early Monday-morning meeting with some men whom I care a great deal. Charles Sumners, the minister of a large church in our city for more than thirty years was speaking:
    "Sometimes I get discouraged. I can't see that my work with people is really changing anything. And as for my own belief in God, in a life after death, in the basic tenets of the faith -in the last analysis I am right where I was at the beginning of my ministry - I can only trust and hope that these things are true. Although I can see that realistically the church has grown and prospered in terms of members and material things, I cannot see that much has happened spiritually because of my ministry here."

    No one said a word. We all loved and respected this man a great deal, and he was baring his heart to us. As I sat in silence, a picture passed through my mind. It was Sunday and Charles was standing in the pulpit. He was still quite weak after spending several days in the hospital and it was obvious to me that he was struggling with his sermon. But at the conclusion he told us that during his sickness he had seen once more the basic message of ministry - that God loves us and has amazingly offered us the gift of life in Christ. He became very enthusiastic and alive; it was as if he had just discovered the idea. I was afraid he might get too emotional, because of his weakened condition, and overtire himself. But at that point Charles stopped, looked at us with a great calm, and concluded simply, "And I have found again in my own experience that I believe in Jesus Christ, and this belief is transforming my life."

    Having finished his sermon, he sat down, probably discouraged again at our seeming lack of response. And yet my heart was singing! Somehow as he had said those words, filtered through a life which fairly radiated with courage and openness, I believed again too, and was excited with the renewed freshness of this discovery. Other men began to share similar stories...

    As our meeting broke up, it came to me: none of us can see with much accuracy the results of his or her own efforts, because so much of a Christian's influence has to do with the depth of his or her own personal inner life. To the Christian that inner life seems like a battleground of losses and retreats, marred with old scars and shell holes. But from the outside, other people may seen only the aura of love and concern which seems to surround those who commit themselves wholly to the finding and doing of God's will and the loving of His people.

    I realize now that most of us will never be able to know accurately the long-term effects of anything we try to do. But it doesn't matter so much, because I can see that the kind of spiritual influence which appears to have deep roots and lasting effects is not usually projected consciously. Such influence seems to be a by-product of a style of living. People are evidently touched unconsciously through the Christian's eyes and hands as he tries to help them, and as he points beyond himself...to tell them about Christ and His healing love.

    Dear God, I am grateful that You left us stories - like the "widow's mite" - about the importance to You of the efforts and gifts of ordinary people who have no great credentials in terms of fame and material statistics. Help me to remember that You do not judge as we do. And thank You that even as You give us peace, You give us a restlessness which moves us always beyond ourselves to seek and love other people. Thank You that You make me want to do great things for You, but thank You even more that Your love is not contingent on my getting them done."

    ahh :)

    "Therefore, my beloved brothers, stand firm! Let nothing move you.
    Always give yourselves fully to the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord
    is not in vain." - Paul's letter to the Corinthians (15:58)




Wednesday, 21 October 2009

  • smells that remind & cassette tapes that teach.

    cassette tapes that teach.
    When our family moved from Dallas to Houston, it was an interesting adjustment. My first year here, I attended second grade at Austin Pkwy Elem. But after I frequently came home cursing or with a bad attitude, my dad decided to enroll us in a Christian private school. haha i think that's funny.

    Anyhoo, on the way to school and on the way home, we would carpool with the Tams and listen to Focus on the Family's "Adventures in Odyssey." We have a big collection of their cassette tapes, CDs, and VHSsss (haha how do you make VHS plural?). In essence, it's a fond childhood memory.

    SO FOND, that on our recent journey to Family Christian Bookstore, Matt bought a CD pack to catch us up from where we left off. And we started listening them on our way to and from college. Somewhat funny, but man oh man did I miss it. Whit, Connie, Eugene, Tom Riley, Bernard, alll the kiddos - they're like family :)

    smells that remind.
    this morning I dropped Matt off as usual and drove to the parking garage. Upon turning the corner, I SMELLED something in the air. Twas no ordinary smell. IT WAS....the smell of my old elementary school. Weird, yes, I know. But I smelled it and all these memories came flooding back to me from my childhood. My mind then proceeded to run in a flurry through childhood memories, awkward middle school years, then the wondrous high school years, and up till now.

    I've come to realize over a slow process of introspection that I've come a looong way. And it's actually a little bit shocking to me because of the proud I had immersed myself in in my earlier years. A big thing that I'm trying to work on is my image. Allow me to explain. For awhile now, I've noticed that I have this fear of people judging me. Wtheck, right? So I asked myself where it came from. I had tackled this issue in high school and was fine with it. Then college rolled around. So what's the difference? I concluded that I get so caught up with how non-Christians might view me. I'm mostly confident with who I am EXCEPT for the fact that when I'm walking down the street, I'm like, "oh God, I hope they see you in me." But instead of healithly displaying Him, it's thwarted into a mess of mixed motivations. While I believe that deep in my heart, I long to just oooze of God's glory and greatness so that others can know Him, I've lost sight of it a little bit and muddled it with a weird haze of too much self-awareness.


    conclusion.
    God created me just as I am - beautifully and wonderfully made. God will use me as He wills (if I am smart enough to comply). I need to stop worrying about how others see Christ in me, and JUST BE ME! If I follow God whole-heartedly and commune with Him, I'll naturally flow becuase His Spirit dwells within me. Tis a beautiful reminder through a personal mistake.

    I got so excited to realize this...and of course, God has perfect timing and decided to pop some verses into my head to confirm this newfound revelationish:

    2 Timothy 3:1-5 ~ But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lvoers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power.

    so when i decide that others' thoughts are gonna dictate how i see myself, i'm suppressing the Spirit from truly working. when i take things into my own hands, i'm denying the power of the Spirit.

    2 Timothy 1: 6-7 ~ For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of god, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

    this is what i should be doing - denying the spirit of timidity and aquiring the spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. how different life would look like!!

    thanks for the encouragement to be faithful indeed, Paul.

    so now i feel impassioned to pass it on. I think that someone our youth need to hear this. So Lord, I pray that you will guide me. Use the weak to lead the strong and may your grace continue to overflow this wretchless sinner in need of You. God, I don't know what I'll say, but I know that even if I don't say it right according to my standards, you don't necessary need them, for your Spirit is powerful and your Word is living and active. Go before us, Lord, for greater things have yet to come :)


Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Monday, 12 October 2009

  • heaven is the face

    On May 21, 2008, Contemporary Christian singer-songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman lost his five-year-old daughter Maria Sue Chunxi in a tragic accident. Her brother's Toyota Land Cruiser accidentally hit Maria when he was pulling into the driveway of their home, and she was pronounced dead upon arrival to the hospital. Beauty Will Rise was Chapman's first album since the tragedy and this first single released from the set eloquently addresses the topic of loss. In the face of all his grief, Chapman paints a picture of what Heaven must look like with Maria in it.

    Chapman spoke about this song via his video blog. He commented that "obviously heaven has become a much more real place and something I long for more now than ever before. I can't wait to see the face of my little girl that I long to see again. I'm saying to God, 'you know my heart, and I know that heaven is so much more than that, but right now Lord, this where my heart is.' So I'm just crying out to God with this song, and it's as honest and personal as I've ever been, I just poured out my heart."


    Heaven is the face of a little girl
    With dark brown eyes
    That disappear when she smiles
    Heaven is the place
    Where she calls my name
    Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

    God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
    But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for, God,
    You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
    So right now...

    Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
    Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
    And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
    Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

    And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more
    But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God,
    You know, I just can’t see beyond the door
    But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
    Where Your glory fills every empty space

    All the cancer is gone
    Every mouth is fed
    And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed
    Every lonely heart finds their one true love
    And there’s no more goodbye
    And no more not enough
    And there’s no more enemy, no more

    Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
    And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
    Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
    And leads me to You
    And we both run into Your arms

    Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream
    It’s far beyond anything I can conceive
    So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    ahhhhh this song is sooo sad. It makes my heart sink so heavily each time. Growing up, I would always be so saddened by stories like this. Sometimes I would cry. But the STRANGE thing, is that I would want to secretly experience it. Why? I don't know. Maybe to know how it feels and to see how/if I'd overcome it. Maybe to sympathize better. Maybe to get sympathy. I'm not sure.

    There's something about these songs though that do more than just tug at the heart. They make me ask questions. They break down walls around me and make me feel very human...very weak and vulnerable and emotional. They fill me up with compassion and a passion to help others, to extend open arms and offer a hug...even to a stranger. But the disappointing part is that it feels like the passion builds up and dies cuz it doesn't get released to its full capacity. We're all too good at masking our feelings and societal rules of our enculturation are so overwhelming influential. (ie - today I wanted to help this lady in a wheelchair at Whataburger. She didn't have any feet, so she wheeled around in her chair. She had a walmart bag with toothbrush in it attached to the back of her chair, and she had some money cuz she paid for her lunch. I have a couple homeless-care-packages in my car that I assembled for times like this, but I wasn't sure if she was really homeless. I wasn't sure if I would offend her if I gave it to her. and a friend affirmed that it could be insulting. Missed opportunity? Only God knows. but I'll say a prayer for her...and the chapman family)

    Being much more emotional these past....months...has been a very hard experience for me. Yet at the same time, I think I am getting stronger in trusting people and learning more about the verse I've been contemplating for so long - the "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

    If I was the perfect, idealistic self that I was all the time, I couldn't possibly relate to other humans. And that's been something that's been bothering me lately - that I can sy/empathize very well. So bring on the brokenness and healing :)


    "...I feel the more I know God, that He would sooner we did wrong in loving, than never love for fear that we should do wrong." - Father Andrew

Thursday, 08 October 2009

  • gentle reminders from a loving Abba

    I was flipping through some old emails, and came across one from a family friend who wrote to me a couple years ago. In this particular email, she was praising God for various ministries of Mosaic, and as I came upon her praise to God for the youth group, I read this:

    "I am thankful for Melissa who chose to give up and sacrifice her goals and preferences for the greater good of leading the Youth Ministry.  I am thankful that she is wise beyond her years."

    I cried after reading that...out of sadness and shame. Because being in such a desert place now and looking back at my zeal and passion to follow God no matter what shows me how human i am.



    "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;
    God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
    He chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things -
    and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are,
    so that no one may boast before him...
    therefore, as it is written: let him who boasts
    boast in the Lord."
    - 1 cor 1:27-29, 31




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